Twelve Carrot
by The Bog Witch
Summary: Naru's on a mission, Jadeite's selling necklaces and Usagi is ... performing a jewelry heist? What's up with that? Carrots and lemon pie abound while Sailor Moon engages in some criminal activity.
1. The Beginning

Twelve Carrot – after jewelry store e

A/N: Yeah, the spelling of the title is intentional. ('Carrot' rather than 'Carat' …you'll see.) This takes place just after the sixth episode of the first season. Warning: poop jokes.

Disclaimer: All characters/settings therein belong to Naoko Takeuchi et al.

Twelve Carrot

Tsukino Usagi, sometimes known as Sailor Moon, had a problem. Actually, Tsukino Usagi had several problems, the most obvious of which was currently threatening to slice her in two.

She exhaled carefully, not daring to move an inch. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she knew that if she started to cry, she'd hit them for sure. And then, to make matters worse:

"Usagi?" Naru. Uh oh. "Where'd you go?"

"Um…" She called, sucking in her gut as much as possible, "Don't worry. I'll be back in a minute!"

"You sound strange," said Naru, from the other room, "Are you alright?"

"Yes! Fine! I'm fine!" Usagi squirmed.

"What are you doing back there? I feel silly calling out to you like this."

"I'm, I'm using the bathroom! Yes!"

Suddenly, a little bell rang, signaling that someone had entered the shop. Usagi could just make out the voice of the saleslady. "We don't have a bathroom. "

"Oh."

"And customers aren't allowed in the back! You come out right now, young lady!"

Usagi blanched. "Coming!" She wailed, inching along the wall. Who would have thought a little jewelry store would have such a high-tech security system?

"Usagi!" Luna hissed, "Over there!" She nodded her head in the direction of the jewel.

"Luna! I can't get close enough!"

"Usagi?" Naru sounded nervous. That saleslady was probably breathing down her neck.

"Luna!" Usagi sobbed, desperate.

"What'd you say, Usagi?"

"Nothing! I'm just … um … I tripped."

"Do you need help?"

"No," Usagi lied, "I'm okay, really!"

"I'll go check it out," Luna whispered.

Usagi nodded, flattening herself against the wall. Luna slinked between the laser beams, making her way to the jewelry. She leapt on top of the glass display case.

"Hmm," she said

"Is that it? I wanna go now!"

"No. The one on the TV was red. This one's more of a burgundy, or maybe a mar—"

"Lu_na_! "

"Alright, alright. We can go now."

Usagi crept back to the door, Luna close at her heels. She turned the handle and was promptly greeted by a worried Naru and an irate saleslady.

"Well, you certainly took your time!" She scoffed, clicking her long nails against the counter. Looking down, she noticed Luna. "Is that—is that a _cat_?"

"Um …"

"In my store? A cat? I'm allergic!" As if to illustrate this point, the saleslady began to break out in hideous, red hives. "Out! I need my lotion! Both of you, out right now!" The saleslady all but shoved them through the door.

"Sorry!" Naru called. The tiny bell jangled as the saleslady slammed the door. "Usagi, what were you doing?"

"Oh…nothing. Looking for a bathroom. Sorry."

"That's okay. I didn't see anything I liked anyway. We can find a bathroom in that restaurant over there, if you want."

"Can we stop for lunch?"

"It's barely ten o'clock!"

"But I'm hungry now!" Her brush with searing, laser-filled death had done wonders for her appetite.

Naru sighed. "Alright. But you'd better leave Luna out here this time. Will she be okay by herself for a little while?"

"Oh sure! She won't go anywhere." So far, Usagi hadn't had any luck. She couldn't seem to find the right one. It was beginning to look as though she'd never hit on the right store.

It had all started at six o'clock in the morning, when the shrill ring of the telephone roused her from a particularly mouthwatering dream. (The dream in question featured both Tuxedo Mask _and_ a gigantic slab of lemon pie, a personal best for Usagi.)

"Mmph?" she'd mumbled into the receiver, still thinking of the sweet, sweet caped hero and the gorgeously sexy whipped cream. _Wait— it should be the sweet, sweet whipped cream and the – ug too early! _Her brain hurt.

"Sorry to wake you, but I'm so excited! I just had the best dream!"

"Oh you had the pie-and-gorgeous-cape-wearing-hottie dream, too?"

"Uh … no, but it was the next best thing! I dreamed I bought the most fantastic piece of jewelry; it was a necklace, I think. Yes, and then, when I woke up I knew that it was a premonition! I'm destined to find that perfect necklace today. I just know it! Good thing I have some birthday money left over. Do you want to go shopping with me?"

"Mmm."

"Usagi! Have you fallen asleep on the phone again? Usagi?"

"'m awake! Really!" Usagi jerked back to life.

"Well, will you go with me?"

"Sure."

"Great! I'll come by at eight, alright? Usagi? Usagi? I know you're there, I can hear you snoring!"

"'m up! Eight, right. Bye!"

Usagi threw the phone down, missing its cradle by more than five inches. She sank back into her pillow. Just a few more minutes … then she'd get dressed and ready to go … now about that pie.

Far too soon, Usagi felt something soft against her face. Someone was calling her name. She rolled over and ignored it.

In her dream, the pie sat on a silver pedestal, with a small, black bow-tie affixed to its dish. She was in a sweeping white dress, and Tuxedo Mask had just asked her to marry him.

"Oh Tuxedo Mask!" She said, "Of course I'll marry you! Everything's so wonderful!" But then, like a racy movie with a misleadingly innocent cover, the nature of the dream changed.

The sugar-candy sky changed to horrible dental floss green. Tuxedo Mask and the lemon pie had somehow gotten into a fist fight. Whipped cream splattered the ground like thick, fluffy blood that was soft and white and also tasted really really good. (Okay, so maybe the blood comparison was a tad off.)

"What? No lemon pie, don't be angry! I love you, too! Don't make me choose between you! Nooo!" Usagi was caught in the middle of her two greatest loves, wedged in the heart of a cream filled battle. Tuxedo Mask slapped the pie with his gauntlet.

"You have to choose, Sailor Moon!"

"Yes, choose, Usagi!"

"Choose!"

"Choose!"

"No, I can't, I can't! You both are so amazing and delicious and chocked full of lemony-goodness, well, maybe not you, Tuxedo Mask, but I still love you!" Usagi was in a quandary.

The soft thing pressed harder. This time, Usagi gave in to it; the dream was going sour anyway.

"Wake up!" Luna's paw batted her face.

"Ug, what time is it?"

"Seven fifty five."

"Seven fifty five? I've only got five minutes!" Usagi shot out of bed. She threw on her clothes, but forgot about one of the few immutable laws of the universe: When one is late, one can never find the other sock.

"Where's my sock? Oh no! Naru will be here any minute and—"

"Relax, Usagi, you have time."

"How can I have time? Naru said she'd be here at eight and it's seven fifty five!"

Luna sat on her bedside table, looking smug.

"Check your clock." Tilting her head, Usagi stared at the numbers. Six thirty.

"What? How can this be?"

"Oh, I just told you it was later so that you'd get—"

"We must have entered some sort of time warp!"

"Uh, no, it's—"

"What day is it? It could be a thousand years in the future! This must be some plot of the Dark Kingdom's, some way to get me out of the picture!" Usagi raved. She'd never been good, first thing in the morning. (In all fairness, few people are.)

"Luna! What will we do? We have to get back to the past!" Usagi raised a finger in determination.

"Usagi, listen to me! We're not in the future; I told you it was seven fifty-five to get you to wake up."

"I don't wanna live in the future!" Usagi sobbed, "Wait, what?"

Luna sighed. It was going to be a long day. A few minutes passed, in which it was explained to Usagi, that no, they had not been hurtled into a cold and unforgiving future, where all humans bowed down to youma-masters and were forced to place offerings of pie and other confectionary delights on the Dark Kingdom's grease-stained Altar of Infinite Evil. And then, another few minutes passed, in which it was explained to Usagi that that no, they had not been hurtled into a bizarre and unappetizing future, where all youma bowed down to human masters and were forced to place offerings of slugs and other gelatinous creatures on the Dark Kingdom's grease-encrusted Altar of Finite Malice.

But that was okay, because a lot of people were not very good in the morning.

For once, there was time to spare before Naru arrived. Usagi sat down to watch some TV, Luna at her side.

"Boring, boring," Usagi said, flipping past the weather, annoying game show hosts, infomercials and Jadeite showing off some jewelry on the morning news.

"Hey, cartoons!" exclaimed Usagi. A small animated mouse was apparently trying to torture and kill a cat. It was funny, though, because he was using a hilariously oversized hammer that he'd pulled out from thin air.

"Wait, what was on that last channel?" Luna asked. Usagi flipped back.

"What this?" A game show host offered several severely obese women a new car if they could answer forty trivia questions about the personal life of an Indonesian dictator from the early fourteenth century.

"No, after that."

"And here we have a bag of poo!" Squealed the platinum blonde saleswoman. "Takeshi, I just can't believe that it's only twelve easy payments of 500,000 yen! Why, a bag of poo of this caliber must be worth at least seven—no eight times that amount!"

"Uh, Luna?"

"Not that either! One more after!"

"I can't find the remote."

"Well, we've all been there, Takeshi!" The woman continued, blank smile still plastered onto her face. "Tell 'em what else they get!"

"What do you mean you can't find the remote? You just had it a minute ago!"

Luna had forgotten one of the other immutable laws of the universe: whenever something really awful comes on the TV, the remote flees in shame. Usagi dove under the cushions, familiar with the favorite hiding places of lost remote controls.

All the while, the TV blared.

"What a deal!" the saleswoman burbled. Usagi winced, pushing past dust bunnies and donut crumbs.

"Ug … got it!" Somewhere deep within the recesses of the couch, Usagi's fingers closed on the remote.

"Now, to the next channel."

"Would you care to talk about your new creation?" The news anchor said to someone off screen.

"Aw, this stuff is boring!"

"Shh! I think I saw something."

The camera panned to a familiar blond man in an ugly grey and red sweater.

"Gee, that's an ugly sweater, " said Usagi, momentarily distracted by the vomit-inducing pattern. Then realization hit, like an ice-cream truck skidding into an oil carrier on a crowded highway. "That's Jadeite! What's he doing on TV?"

"Let's just listen."

"What we have here is my finest work, the red diamond. It's a lab-created gem, meant to be durable and beautiful, like a diamond, but more inexpensive. Look at this necklace …"

The camera panned to an attractive necklace with huge, dripping stones. It only served to make Jadeite's ugly sweater look even worse in comparison.

"He's selling necklaces? Why is the Dark Kingdom selling necklaces?"

"If you'd stay quiet, maybe we could hear something."

"You don't have to be so mean!" Usagi's lower lip wobbled.

"I'm not trying to be, but maybe they'll say something about it."

"Yep," said the anchor, "so you all should go down and check out the red diamond exhibition tomorrow. Now is it true that the diamonds are currently being housed in a jewelry store vault for safekeeping?"

"Yes, they're at the—"

"You didn't have to yell at me!" Usagi wailed.

"I wasn't!"

"Now to the weather…"

"Oh no, we missed it!"

Luna sighed.

"We have to get that red diamond. Who knows what the Dark Kingdom is planning to do with it?" Though Luna said this, she actually had a pretty good idea of what they were going to do with it. It likely involved stealing people's energy; these things tended to swing that way, to her experience. The Dark Kingdom must be pretty tired, to need all that energy. Maybe they needed it to pay lighting bills? Couldn't be called the 'Dark' Kingdom for nothing.

"So, we're gonna rob a jewelry store?"

"Yes, essentially. But it's for a good cause."

"We don't know which store they're in."

"Well, you're going shopping with Naru. Look for it, and then, tonight, we'll steal the necklace."

"You have a devious mind, Luna!" Usagi giggled.

Luna sighed. It was going to be a long day.


	2. The Heist

A/N: Wow, this took a bit! Sorry. I think it's better for the wait, though.

Twelve Carrot

Part Two: The Heist

Little known fact: Tsukino Usagi, aka Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice, Defender of Truth and so on and so forth, had one weakness (besides her own clumsiness that is.)

"No!"

"Yes!"

"I don't wanna!"

The youma forced the carrot to the aforementioned Defender of Truth's lips.

"You do and you will!"

"Nooooo!" She wailed.

She had an intense dislike of carrots.

"Eat it!"

"Never!"

Okay, perhaps 'intense' is too mild a word. She hated them with the searing, sparking passion of a metal fork in the microwave.

Jadeite nodded at the youma, putting on his most sinister grin; he had chosen well with this one.

The youma in question was … different, to say the least. It wore mismatched orange and green leg warmers with sneakers and a spandex leotard. In its spare time, it was fond of doing crunches and making 'delicious' smoothies out of everyday household items, like bricks and phone cords and that stuff underneath the refrigerator.

It was not a very popular youma; people on perpetual health kicks rarely are, especially when said kicks involve leg warmers and 'delicious' smoothies. Still, Jadeite knew that it was reasonably powerful.

Honestly, he hadn't counted on the carrot thing. (Though he would certainly tell Beryl otherwise when he did the paper work.) He hadn't even realized that Sailor Moon hated exercise so much. Both were wonderful surprises.

Jadeite stifled an unseemly evil cackle. There would be time for such pleasantries later, after all.

"Well, now, Sailor Moon. Since you're so eager to get a look at it, you can be the first to try on the red-diamond necklace! Um … youma?" Embarrassingly, Jadeite had forgotten his menacing hench-thing's name.

The youma sighed. "I told you, it's—"

_Hmm, _Jadeite mused, mind wandering, _Maybe I should get a new sweater…everyone seems to hate the old one. They say it's ugly, well! I'll show them ugly; I'll go buy a grey and _orange_ sweater and—_ Was that youma saying something? Ug, it was probably saying its name! Now he'd just have to pretend he knew it. Great.

"Oh. Yes. Right. Good old … you," said Jadeite, who suddenly felt that something was expected of him. "Do that thing you do, with the necklace?"

"B-but, she hasn't eaten her vegetables!"

"Never!" yelled Sailor Moon, glad not to be forgotten. She struggled against her bonds, succeeding only in falling off of the safe in an undignified heap.

"What?" asked Jadeite. _Where do they get these people, really?_

"C'mon, Sailor Moon!" hissed Luna, from beneath an overturned plastic box. A huge paperweight statue of Peppy the Yard Gnome, one of Japan's more unfortunate American imports, secured it to the ground. "If you can just knock this monstrosity off the box, I'll be able to escape and claw through those ropes!"

Sailor Moon nodded and began inching toward the box, wormlike, as Jadeite argued with the youma. This hadn't exactly gone as planned.

It took hours for them to find the right store. She couldn't believe they'd missed it for so long; it was strung with banners pronouncing the arrival of the red diamond. They'd even advertised in the newspaper!

She'd slipped into the jewelry store, that night. Usagi hadn't wanted to go, of course. Her day had been tiring enough.

For one thing, Naru had clearly gone mad.

"We'll find that perfect necklace, Usagi! Even if it kills us!" Naru's gratuitous use of plural pronouns had not escaped Usagi's notice.

Naru dragged her to what felt like every jewelry store in the country of Japan, and not just a few elsewhere. Usagi could have sworn that at least one of those jewelers spoke a different language.

But it had all been worth it, when Luna had spotted the banners.

Red Diamond Here! They proclaimed. Come Join the Celebration! (All sales final. Aiko Jewelers is in no way responsible for any trampling, maiming or other personal harm its customers may come to on the day of the sale.)

It was too easy. They'd snuck in without so much of a second glance from the snoring security guard. The red diamond necklace was laying right there, on a table in the back room.

Giggling, Usagi reached out for it when –WHAM!

She'd barely had time for a quick transformation before the youma was upon her. Literally.

"Oof!"

"Get up get up get up, lazy!" And it had all gone downhill from there.

After being forced to do some deep knee bends and to use makeshift exercise equipment (she'd pay dearly to know how the youma had created a working treadmill out of some old boxes and a pair of pliers), the Champion of Justice was more than a little worn out.

And that was about when Jadeite showed up, presumably to gloat. (In actuality, he would have been content to watch from the safety of the security cameras. The only reason he was even in the room was because he'd gotten lost on the way to the bathroom. Once he arrived, however, he recognized that it would be in bad taste to leave.)

Sailor Moon struggled to her knees. Her hands were bound behind her back, so she tried to knock Peppy the Yard Gnome off of the box with her forehead.

"Hurry!" hissed Luna.

"I don't understand," Jadeite was saying, arms crossed, "why you can't just take that necklace and drain her energy."

"She hasn't completed the program!" Luna wriggled out from beneath the box.

"It's not supposed to be a reward!" A vein throbbed in his forehead, threatening to evacuate the area unless conditions improved.

"But how will she lose all that extra weight if she doesn't follow a strict diet?"

"Extra weight!" Sailor Moon yelled, about to give the youma a piece of her mind.

"Shhh!" said Luna, frantically clawing at the ropes. "Do you _want_ them to stop arguing and force feed you carrots?"

"Do you think I'm fat?" She strained to see her thighs.

"Now's not the time for this!" The rope began to fray.

"That's it!" said Jadeite. He resolved to just kill the youma and use the necklace himself.

"Oh, so you _do_ think I'm fat," Sailor Moon sniffled.

"Well, you could stand to be more sculpted," said the youma, turning around.

"What is she doing over there?" yelled Jadeite. His day had not exactly gone as planned either.

"Got it!" said Luna, triumphant. Sailor Moon stood up, tiara in hand. Call _her _fat, would it? That youma had another thing coming.

The butt-kicking commenced without further interruption. (Insert violence here.) (And here.) (And a third time; initial twice on the dotted line, thank you.)

As he returned to the Dark Kingdom, sans dignity, but with the necklace in hand, Jadeite reflected that, all in all, it could've gone worse. True, he had failed miserably and Beryl would have his behind _on ice_, but that youma was really annoying. He still couldn't get the taste of that 'delicious' smoothie out of his mouth.

He looked down at the necklace. The red gems sparkled in the moonlight. A thought struck him. Tomorrow was another day, after all.

* * *

"Usagi!" said Naru. "Did I wake you? I know it's not quite noon yet…Anyway, I wanted to –"

Usagi groaned, leaning against the doorframe. "I can't go jewelry shopping today. I'm still tired from yesterday!"

"Oh, but, you don't have to. That's why I'm here. Look at this!" Naru held up a shining string of red gems. A very familiar shining string of red gems.

Usagi's jaw dropped. "Where did you get that?"

"It was the strangest thing! This blond guy came by my mom's jewelry store this morning. Said he wanted to get rid of it. No charge. Good thing, too. Mom says that it's pretty much worthless, nothing but colored glass. It doesn't look it, though. She said that I could have it. Isn't it gorgeous?" She held the necklace up to her neck; its facets refracted the sunlight, making them practically glow.

"I wanted to thank you for helping me yesterday. I guess the best things really are close to home, right? Actually," she continued, holding onto the doorframe, "I wouldn't have wanted to go shopping again today, either. I didn't feel it last night, but ever since this morning, about after that guy stopped over, I've been feeling sort of … drained."

"Usagi?" said Naru, concerned. "Why are you making that face? Is something wrong? Usagi?"

It was going to be a long day.

End.


End file.
